Theory of Relatives-ity

My elder sister is expecting her first child this year. I am very excited and looking forward to playing uncle to my nephew / niece. Would be a god-level experience. 



Our Ancestors were very vella (jobless) in their time. They needed to fill their lives with more excitement. So in our culture they made a custom of celebrating every possible occasion with rituals. So pregnancy is no different. In English this ritual is called Baby shower. We call it Baayake in Tulu.


The downside to such functions is that I get to meet lot of such relatives with whom I would rather avoid sharing the same solar system. Not because I am too awesome for them but they are too retarded for me. 


My relatives have no clue what to talk to each other. So they either say 'You have put on weight' OR 'You have lost weight'. Every relative I meet is more bothered about my weight than Manmohan Singh is about Pakistani terrorists. Folks hang on. A enhanced abdomen is not the end of the world. Retards ! Where are the times when a paunch was the symbol of a man's prosperity? If Bill Gates paid $1 to every person who talked of my weight, he would find it difficult to make ends meet. 


On a side note, what the hell has happened to the women of my community? They are either Matchsticks or Road rollers or Married.


At other times for a change they also discuss complexion "You have become fair" OR "You seem to have become darker". How socially inept ! 


Some probable conversations with relatives:

Relative: You seem to become darker

ME: Yeah. I got seduced by the dark side. *facepalm*  

Relative: You were small when I last saw you. (13 yrs ago) 

ME: I got bitten by a radioactive mosquito hence grew up 

Relative: Do u remember me? (A common uncomfortable question)
ME: Usually I dont. Family trees don't come with standard specs you see.


The auspicious time for the function was 12.30pm. Invited and coming - 100 people. Showed up at/before time - 25 people. Oh IST (Indian Stretchable Time) !!! It is quite sometime before we have a sizeable number of people in the hall. We knew the function had started when they placed giant sweets in front of the expecting mother. Those sweets are so huge that if anyone was clobbered with these, they would die of Diabetes. It was an awesome sight. 

Family functions during summer is like adding salt to the wounds. Of all functions, I hate 'engagements' purely because matchmaking virus is at its peak during such functions. I wonder why do relatives feel a compulsive need to don their matchmaking hats at every opportunity. Irks me no end. Its like they were born to make matches and ensure nobody is ever left single. I dont think that matchmaking is a resume spike unless you are in that line of business. My relatives take extra care in reminding me that I am next at the wedding altar, provided I don't go on a relatives-only bullet-spraying spree.

The other day I went to a distant cousin's engagement - a cousin I didnt know existed. The MC started the proceedings by giving a all-included retarded intro of all people in the boy's n girl's family. He only stopped short of disclosing their toilet habits. Thank God Mahesh Bhatt isnt here else he would say at every intro 'This is inspired from my life'. 

The entire burden of being the saving grace at the function now rests with the Buffet spread. It can make or break the whole occasion. However the lunch only managed to provoke an outrage. Thankfully it didnt turn violent. It was an ideal lunch for people looking to diet. You could come out of the lunch line with nearly nothing on the plate


On a parting note, is killing annoying relatives still outlawed? Anyways remember that you cant choose your relatives but you can choose which ones to shoot first.