Singh is (Retard) King

I might be blogging a little late on this. But rather late than never. 


For me 'Singh is King' is as retarded as retarded can be. I could never understand how it ever become a 'hit' ? To be honest I would rather pick my nose than watch 'Singh is King'.


Akshay Kumar and me share the same happy wala birthday. So I usually judge his films from the softest corner of my heart. Even that couldn't make me like 'Singh is King'. The entire first scene with Akki chasing the hen was retardity of the highest order. It had the potential to make people puke on themselves. And the last scene where Akki is savng Kat while accidentally taking 'pheras' made me feel the same way I felt in those sex-ed lectures at school where they would shamelessly insult your intelligence. The only two good parts in the movie was the 'Intermission' and 'The End'. 

The entire range of jokes involving paralysed man on wheelchair was disgusting and not funny. I dont know why film makers in the last 50 years have not been able to come up with anything other than the cliched 'Surds are good with pure hearts of gold' dialogues. 


I heard there are 3 follow up movies planned to Singh is King - Kaur Is Queen, Prince & Yuvraaj. The last two are the same Patiala pegs - 1 in lota & 1 in mug. Oops !! My news is slightly outdated. The last two in fact have already got made and have ran very successfully i.e. People managed to run as far as they can from them very successfully. 

Apparently Havells wants to sponsor "Kaur Is Queen" since they too love to insult intelligence which is clearly depicted in their ads. Maaza is also giving them tough competition. In a bold display of surrogate advertising, their Aamsutra ads are designed to look like a cryptic trailer for Kaur Is Queen. Some of their smart MBA employees have roped in Katrina by giving her Pulp Equity. 


Not to be left behind, attention-seeker Hard Kaur has claimed that Kaur is Queen is based loosely on her life. Thats because someone told her that the movie was about bad dancing and silicon implants.

Still to be fair, 'Singh is King' had some good things about it. For starters it makes the Axe ads look intelligent. The movie has also helped medical research. Javed Jaffrey's expressions during his dialogue delivery gave insights about constipated people. 

To conclude, Harman Baweja's acting career teaches us that not everything in life has a purpose. Dont believe me ? Watch his movies for proof:

Theory of Relatives-ity

My elder sister is expecting her first child this year. I am very excited and looking forward to playing uncle to my nephew / niece. Would be a god-level experience. 



Our Ancestors were very vella (jobless) in their time. They needed to fill their lives with more excitement. So in our culture they made a custom of celebrating every possible occasion with rituals. So pregnancy is no different. In English this ritual is called Baby shower. We call it Baayake in Tulu.


The downside to such functions is that I get to meet lot of such relatives with whom I would rather avoid sharing the same solar system. Not because I am too awesome for them but they are too retarded for me. 


My relatives have no clue what to talk to each other. So they either say 'You have put on weight' OR 'You have lost weight'. Every relative I meet is more bothered about my weight than Manmohan Singh is about Pakistani terrorists. Folks hang on. A enhanced abdomen is not the end of the world. Retards ! Where are the times when a paunch was the symbol of a man's prosperity? If Bill Gates paid $1 to every person who talked of my weight, he would find it difficult to make ends meet. 


On a side note, what the hell has happened to the women of my community? They are either Matchsticks or Road rollers or Married.


At other times for a change they also discuss complexion "You have become fair" OR "You seem to have become darker". How socially inept ! 


Some probable conversations with relatives:

Relative: You seem to become darker

ME: Yeah. I got seduced by the dark side. *facepalm*  

Relative: You were small when I last saw you. (13 yrs ago) 

ME: I got bitten by a radioactive mosquito hence grew up 

Relative: Do u remember me? (A common uncomfortable question)
ME: Usually I dont. Family trees don't come with standard specs you see.


The auspicious time for the function was 12.30pm. Invited and coming - 100 people. Showed up at/before time - 25 people. Oh IST (Indian Stretchable Time) !!! It is quite sometime before we have a sizeable number of people in the hall. We knew the function had started when they placed giant sweets in front of the expecting mother. Those sweets are so huge that if anyone was clobbered with these, they would die of Diabetes. It was an awesome sight. 

Family functions during summer is like adding salt to the wounds. Of all functions, I hate 'engagements' purely because matchmaking virus is at its peak during such functions. I wonder why do relatives feel a compulsive need to don their matchmaking hats at every opportunity. Irks me no end. Its like they were born to make matches and ensure nobody is ever left single. I dont think that matchmaking is a resume spike unless you are in that line of business. My relatives take extra care in reminding me that I am next at the wedding altar, provided I don't go on a relatives-only bullet-spraying spree.

The other day I went to a distant cousin's engagement - a cousin I didnt know existed. The MC started the proceedings by giving a all-included retarded intro of all people in the boy's n girl's family. He only stopped short of disclosing their toilet habits. Thank God Mahesh Bhatt isnt here else he would say at every intro 'This is inspired from my life'. 

The entire burden of being the saving grace at the function now rests with the Buffet spread. It can make or break the whole occasion. However the lunch only managed to provoke an outrage. Thankfully it didnt turn violent. It was an ideal lunch for people looking to diet. You could come out of the lunch line with nearly nothing on the plate


On a parting note, is killing annoying relatives still outlawed? Anyways remember that you cant choose your relatives but you can choose which ones to shoot first. 

Who the F am I ?

How do I describe myself? To put it in short I am - the pride and joy of Mangalore, uber-sledger, hopeless actor, tireless prankster, sinfully handsome, limitlessly talented, astoundingly smart, religiously dedicated, Gandhi-cally sincere, extremely caring, Spartan-ically courageous, spontaneous like a river, Birbal-ically witty, Oscar Wilde-ishly humorous, unbelievably charming, surgically precise, wise like an old fox, sharp like a scalpel, strong like a bull and sensitive like a flower. The only downside to being me is that I am extremely prone to lying in order to impress.


Now onto the part of my life I call “Fictional Reality”. I am basically from Mangalore, Karnataka but did most of my schooling in Guwahati, Assam – a place which is closer to our neighbouring countries more than most places in our own country. I did my Mechanical Engineering from NIT Warangal, Andhra Pradesh (Class of 2006). At this point I thought life was about reducing every imaginable situation to esoteric numerical problems.

By then Ashok Leyland had decided that they wanted some insanity in the organization. They hired me as a Graduate Engineer Trainee (GET). After being rotated in different functions for the first 5 months I realized my calling: Marketing. My marketing project won the 2nd Best project award in my batch of GETs. I joined their Mumbai office to look after After-Sales because I strongly felt that was a role which would keep me closest to customers. There I learnt the fundamental lesson that Marketing teaches you - Customer = Cusht-se-mar.

In April 2009 I joined Indian School of Business to pursue my MBA. At ISB, I was on the Graduate Student Board as the “Director – Operations and Infrastructure Council” for my class. I was also the crusader in the war against Arbit Class Participation and had a very popular blog on the same called “Bakwas Bandh Karo” (BBK). In recognition to the destruction and chaos I had done over the year I was also awarded the “ISB Young Leader Award”.

I am an active blogger and go by the name of “Smack D” in the virtual world. In Jan 2010, ITC recruited me since in the matrix above since I fell in the top right quadrant. Now all I am doing is looking forward to rocking the world of Sales! Anyways all said and done, if you are disappointed at my boring introduction, blame your high expectations. If not, I want my money back !

Division and Rule

The tension in the air was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. Division allocations had never been this competitive and unpredictable. HR had outsourced the process of Division/Business allocation to a Event management company with the hope of converting a cost-incurring activity into a profit-making event. After much brainstorming it was decided that the same would be decided by a Lightsaber fight tournament.

All the AUTs were paired against each other. The girls went for the cliched pink Lightsabers while the men dilly-dallied between green and blue Lightsabers. Some of the guys went ahead and got themselves tattooed with objects unrelated to the event like Skulls and Bats. Based on pre-match activites a few of the AUTs were seen to be a natural fit for some of the Divsions. Considering Tapan took longer than the girls to choose his dresses and dress up, it was decided that he would be allotted the Lifestyle Retailing Division.

Since HR is supposed to be good with managing the most important resources of any organisation, it was decided that they would be made Ringside judges.

 

The tournament began a week late since the Corporate HR wanted to stay consistent with their "Always 1-week late" theme. The AUTs fought valiantly and most of the matches were close. Finally we had the two surviving finalists Sudhanshu Porwal and Milam Saxena. They fought like how Neo and Anderson fought in 'Matrix Revolutions' inclusive of the special effects. Finally the match ended on even kneel and both of them were declared joint winners. Milam was sent to the Agri-Business Division and Sudhanshu went to Printing and Packaging Business Division while all the other AUTs were banished to ITD where they will spend 60% of their time convincing their friends that "Trade Marketing" is the same as "Sales".

 

The Event was a huge success. The TRP ratings hit the roof. Google reported that ten times more people played its Lightsaber match game doodle than the PacMan doodle. Lalit Modi has reportedly approached the CEO to make him the Commisioner for next year's event with a promise to glamorise the event with YouTube telecast, real cheerleaders and brand endorsements.
 

Inspired by the success, the event management company recommended to the Coporate HR that the final posting locations be decided in the same format. That would be a even more glitzy affair and is expected to throw up unpredicatble results. However the bookies have confirmed that the odds of Karan Sehegal being posted to Nagaland is higher than Warren Anderson being extradited to India.