And then there were Managers !

I had a very very weird dream last night. I felt I was in one of the world's top Business Schools - lets call it the Institute of Management Excellence. I saw that the students there were supposedly highly capable and mature ( The dream was hazy but I am guessing that the school had some work ex requirements). Initially the dream looked all rosy. I felt strangely good about it. Soon cracks began to surface in the dream.

You know what the problem is with having too many capable people at one place ? They are all trying to book some space for themselves. They have forgotten the fact that getting to that top school itself signifies that they were achievers. But everybody seemed to be hell-bent on hijacking whatever little space was available and establishing how great they were. They were trying to be Leaders. But a good leader is a great listener. But the scene was so pathetic that I saw none of the leaders even trying to 'listen'. I happened to barge into one of the Club meetings. I expected some serious action there but all I saw was a desperate sales pitch. One of the people who was supposedly mature (considering about a decade of experience) was asking people to guess the salary as per the latest payslip. 

In one more club meeting that I happened to barge into I saw people arguing against including one of the spouses as a guest lecturer. Why ? Because she is not a student. They had a better idea - talk about themselves. Splurge on self-indulgence. They wanted to talk about what they had done - coming from people who have not even spent 5 years in the industry. I say c'mon, how pathetic do you want to get. 

In whatever I can recollect of the dream it seemed like a really big school. People were already divided into Sections. Then I saw all the supposedly mature adults clustering and ghettoing hoping their individual inefficiencies would probably be covered up by the group as a whole. I also saw some section meets happening. Only loud ones were having things their way. No effort was seen to include or even consider the opinion of others.  The right to decision-making hand been handed on a platter to these 'wise' people. Every thing smacked of politics and opportunism. Some of the people were even organizing night-outs in the town. Taking an initiative is great but then not taking it anywhere further is sad. Everybody is out there to score brownie points. I saw only the sensible people sitting back and waiting for all these wanna-be dudes and dudettes to settle down.  

And yes, they were supposed to be future managers - the leaders of their field - future leaders of a country of 1 billion people and cant even behave mature enough in front of a audience thats not even 0.001 % - forget about being able to actually manage anything. Chaos and opportunism seemed to be the order of the day.

By this time I was tired of my dream and luckily woke up. I am so happy that I am at Indian School of Business and not any Tom, Dick and Harry's Institute of Management Excellence. I hope people here not what I saw in my dream ! Dont expect them to be !

Journey Home !

After changing my status from Ashley dude to ex-Ashley dude on close of working hours on Feb 20th, I finished my packing & got set to go home on 22nd. I was really looking forward to the vacation as this would be a good & decently long one I had after a long time. I had two heavy bags and a laptop (Thank God ! I had already shifted a lot of luggage home last christmas).

Well Mumbai is different than nearly all other cities. You start about 2 hours early and you still are not sure if you will reach the airport / railway station / bus stand on time - the city is so god-damn unpredicatble. My train was at 2.30 pm from Thane so I started at about 12.30 from my place. I had to first take a Auto and get to the Borivali Bus stand. I managed to find one right in front of my building gate. Stage 1: Accomplished ! I reached the bus stand by about 12.45pm and found the half-empty bus waiting. Boy ! This was my lucky day !


I got into the bus with my huge backpack, the suticase & laptop. I must have hit nearly all the passengers sitting at the aisle. I probably hit the world record for the maximum number of "Sorry" in a minute. It was almost like I was a AK-47 which had run out of bullets, so it was spraying "Sorry" all over the place. Considering my luggage I went and sat at the last seat but not without a Uncle trying to screw my happiness by pushing me and throwing in some taunts "to taste". Somebody must have forgotten to tell him that the entire bus goes to Thane and not just the last seats. So even if he sat a minute or two late he would still get a last seat and reach Thane. Finally I settled down and got slightly comfortable despite the terrible heat and the nauseating Uncle who probably had last cleaned his armpits when he spotted the Hailey's comet.

So I reached Thane station by 1.30 pm. An hour to go ! So in without a hiccup. Unfortunately my bags were real heavy, the sun was too cruel and the train would arrive at only Platform number 7. So I plodded my way through to the station, climbed the overbridge at Platform no.1 and got down at Platform no. 7. It took me ages to get there. And it was not done ! My coach would be stopping at the other end of the platform ! Aaarghhh ! By the time I reached the spot it was almost 2.25pm and I looked like someone who had carried a lifetime on his shoulders.

Train came and I hopped in. The momentum of the heavy backpack pushed me well into the Coach. Thank god the AC was working. I reached my seat and found three generations sitting in the same compartment. They asked me if I could shift to a seat they had on the other end of the Coach. I obliged happily but made sure it looked like a supreme sacrifice and a favour. Unfortunately I gambled away my Upper berth for a Middle berth. Now I was at the mercy of others as to when I could crash !

In my compartment there were two other girls - Ms. Brown eyes & Ms. Curly Hair. Ms. Brown Eyes did all the customary goodbyes at the station to her family and friends. Ms. Curly Hair was more worried about the dripping Coconut Oil from her hair. After the train started moving both of them decided to settle down. They arranged space for a endless number of bags - Big ones, small ones, shiny ones and fancy ones - it seemed like they had packed for a lifetime. Soon Ms. Brown Eyes took out a sheet of paper. My peeping Tom instincts ensured that I had seen the opening line well enough to know that it was a sentimental love letter-cum-good bye from her boyfriend. He seemed to have his homework well. He had googled the Top 10 or 100 (watever !) love quotes of all times and then conenction them with bullshit. So much for originality in Love ! Ms. Brown Eyes was all tears and I am like - WTF since she was wetting my blanket and pillow! Ms. Curly Hair probably felt that she was being left behind in this Oscar winning emotional drama, so she took out her cellphone and started looking at what seemed to me her boyfriend's pic. The floodgates had opened and my bedsheet had to pay a price for it.

I chucked the bedsheet away and took out my laptop to watch LOST. But as soon as I opened it suddenly Mr. Baake Bihari comes along from God-knows-where and tells me "Maine bhi Business ke liye Chota Kamputar liya hai ! Aap humko use operate karna sikha denge !" and I am like "Aap kaun hai?" to which he replies "Humare paas bhi ek laaptap hai. humko use chalana sikhaiye!". I bluntly replied "Mujhe sirf personal laptop chalana aata hai. Business laptop nahin aata!" He picked the clue and went away without testing my sarcasm anymore !

At this point of time Ms. Brown Eyes and Ms. Curly Hair had run out of tears to shed. They decided to technically challenge my laptop with their Ipod and they turned on "Slumdog Millionaire". I got bugged and I put off my Laptop without any furthet ado. This was not gonna be my day ! I was so wishing that I had Flying powers !

I got my special Misery top-up late in the evening when a Bottle of water fell on me from the top. And as luck would have had it, the cap was loose and I was wet. So much for havin' taken the shower in the morning ! Rest of the evening passed off without much glitches. Woke up next day morning at my destination fully confident that nothing else can compound my misery now.

But Fate has nothing to do with fairy tales ! As luck woould have it the approach road was undergoing repairs. So I had to lug my luggage for about half a km more. Reached home and found my Mom waiting for me like she always would - with a huge smile on her face. My Mom, I tell you, is like Jaya Bachchan of K3G ! She will know from a km that I am coming ! A warm hug greets me at the door along with the list of items that had been prepared for Breakfast for me ! Yummy ! Makes all the torture totally worthwhile !



There is no place on Earth like home !

Final Mumbai Binge !

On 20th Feb, exactly 3 months after Nov 20 (the day that I got into ISB) I was relieved on close of working hours from Ashok Leyland. The feeling was strange as this was my first job. I had never resigned before. I got a small send off from my department colleagues with a lunch at a expensive Chinese joint. My farewell couldnt happen on 20th as my Boss and colleagues got caught with more than just a few things outside office. But my boss called me and requested me to come the next day morning because they all wanted to give me a proper farewell. The feeling was overwhelming considering my company is not too good on farewells to those who seek separation.

I hung in a bit late that day in office to just soak in the feeling. My ex-roommate-cum-buddy Anirudh aka Nandu and my junior Anand aka Raju too hung in with me. My ISB treat was due and they wanted one from me tonight. Although I am a teetotaller, I decided to throw a booze party for them. I was also expecting one other close budddy of mine Puneet aka Fudhi who too was in the city for his NITIE interview.

Since Fudhi was unreachable, Nandu, Raju & me went straight from Office to a place called Green in Shivaji Park after consulting my ISB buddy Ashwin. We had just finished the first round of drinks when Fudhi called. We decided that we would all meet up at the Airport and then hit a booze joint from there. At the airport our cab was stopped by the security who suspected us of being terrorists. I realize that I terrorize people in the virtual world but I got perfectly innocent looks to camouflage that in Real life. So we got off and met Fudhi.

None of us had any idea of where to go to so I decided to call my other ISB buddy no. 2 Shishir aka Restless. Voila ! He was at a booze joint too along with his cousin and Shouvik (ISB buddy no. 3). So we all met up at Spirit, had booze (not me .. I had Nimbu Paani) and talked about a wide range of topics including Ragging. Fudhi had a flight to catch at 12.45am so we dropped him off to a rickshaw at 12.15 which ferried him to the airport. We hung on for some more time and left only when the Spirit bouncers threw us out at Shutter downing time.

As usual Restless was not done. He wanted to hop onto another bar and continue boozing but we managed to convince him on Juhu beach. Restless, Nandu & me hopped onto a Ric while Shouvik & Raju climbed the bike. On the way from "Spirit" to Juhu beach Restless was at his Atychari best. He let the booze do all the talking and totally the Autowala's brain off. To diversify he stopped the auto midway and chewed off a Cigarette seller's brain with philosophy and bullshit. Though I am a extremely patient man, Restless was now beginning to get on my nerves. I wanted to get out of the auto and hit him on the head with the Cigarette wala's thaila and then stuff his nose with three stubs of Goldflake light. But somehow he rode on his luck, spared the Ciggi-wala and hopped onto the Rick and we managed to reach Juhu beach.

Instead of simply paying the Auto fellow, Restless decided to give him some gyan of Dil n other unrelated Durachar. I was now looking for a sharp instrument to castrate him and donate his balls for research on crushed Testicles. His luck again intervened. The Police jeep came there and asked what we were doing. Restless was quick to say "Sir, hum dil ki baat kar rahe hain" and I was thinking to myself "Main toh iske T**te fodne ke baare mein soch raha hoon". The Police sensed that we were nothing but drunk meddling kids so asked us to get onto the auto and Scram. Restless wouldnt still budge. Only the sight of the Pandu charging with his stick did Shishir change his mind and hop onto the Auto.

Well Mumbai police is smarter than the average police force. Just to make sure we didnt come back they followed us (read chased us) but Restless did it again by stopping the Auto midway much to my displeasure. Now I had lost it and gave him a piece of my mind. Before I could separate him from his nipples the Police van zeroed in on us again. We scrammed before they go to us. We went a long way and took a U-tuen. Dropped the auto and hid in a corner where we met Shouvik & Raju. Then we walked to the beach where we were once again warned by another set of policemen again. In the meanwhile Restless endlessly apologised to me. I told him that I was cool but it was time to call off the night. After some customary snaps we split.

Raju, Nandu & me took an auto. Raju was gonna crash for the night at Nandu's place. They reached their house soon after. Nandu's wife was asleep. Nandu had the freaking wind knocked out of his sails when he saw that the time was 4am. He had told his wife he would be late but 4am was way too late. Poor thing must have waited for him very long before she fell asleep. So Nandu knew that he was gonna be in for a loooonnnnggggg day in the morning. So much for a night out !

But the night was fun ! Extremely crazy in parts and extremely funny in others !

Aitch Aaarrrggghhh (HR) !!

As most of you know I had put in my papers around last Valentine's day. As soon as I put my papers, my boss and my superboss convinced me to seek help from the HR ! They said they wanted to retain me post-MBA also and that I must talk to the HR to see if something can be worked out. Sounded good to me. I love my company and I know there are ample opportunities availabe within the company. 

The salary would definitely be lower than what I woud probaby get post-ISB but I for one have always cared for the quality of work rather than the pay attached to it. So I put a one-line email to the madam in the HR dept saying that I wanted to speak to her regarding my resignation. She replied the next day with her number and told me to call her up. I called her and explained the situation. She seemed very understanding and told me that she'll check my profile, job rating & my bosses's opinion before consulting with her boss and coming back to me with an offer. So far so good !

In the next couple days the HR madam informed me that they more than want to have me back at my company. I would get a position and pay commensurate with my potential and academic qualification. This sounded really good ! 

When I decided to get deep into all this, HR madam put me to her boss. Our conversation as follows:

HR Boss: Ask me what you want to ask. (Inside His Head(IIH) - Whatever it is better be good. My Kaafi is here)

Me: Sir, I have gotten into ISB. When I put in my papers my super boss put me onto HR madam. This is to work out for me something post-MBA that I can be part of the company. (Inside my head (IMH) - I am gonna be a MBA dude. You better have something nice to tell me)

HR Boss: What do you want to know? (IIH: Hurry up ! My Kaafi is getting cold !)

Me: I want to know details. (IMH: Duh? Are you even listening)

HR Boss: You have to go on a unpaid leave for a year. You will be coming back to same pay, same position & same location. Then we'll see your performance over a period of time and take a call if we want to promote you. (IIH: Yeah ! Take that you sucker for ruining my Kaafi!)

Me: What period of time are we talking of here? (IMH: It better not be more than 48 hours if you want me retain my sanity)

HR Boss: Cannot commit that to you. Can be anything. 1 year, 2 years or longer. It all depends on your performance. (IIH: Longer as in till your retirement you sorry piece of shit)

Me: Ok. But doesnt my higher academic degree mean anything? (IMH: Dude ! Am I stupid in putting 20 lakhs to come back to the same thing?)

HR Boss: No. It means nothing. You would not have contributed anything to the company when you are away. How can we justify your promotion? (IIH: Hahaha ! Now I have you on the ropes ! If qualification meant anything I would today be a peon drawing a annual 3-digit salary)

Me: Ok. (IMH: *Blank*)

HR Boss: Anything else you want to know? (IIH: Come on you smug! Now that my coffee is ruined I can do this all day !)

Me: No sir. I think I am done. Thank you for your time. (IMH: I give up. You win. Thanks a ton. You saved me from Harakiri, you moron !)

All this was a very disappointing experience. I have had good experiences with the HR before but this one surely spoiled everything. 

But at this point I realized that coming back to the same company would have disastrous. I mean what new would have I learned. I think I need the experience of extremely good companies to be able to come back to my company and straighten up the mess. Hopefully one day I can !

Is Desh mein aana LADO !

"Women have served all these centuries as looking glasses possessing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of a man at twice its natural size." ~ Virginia Woolf

Belated Happy Women's day folks !! This day every year makes me thank god for his best creation till date !! And like all other good things, this might also come to an end soon if we dont wake up and see the truth. Sex ratios have only gone from bad to worse over the years ! With education progressing and literacy increasing we would have expected it to only get better but its not happening, atleast till now ! 

What would happen to the day when the Sex ratio would hit a critical point ?

1. Same sex marriages would be the norm of the day ! Man marrying woman might be a dream come true types thing ! We might have a lot of "Save Woman" initiatives floating around.

2. There would two kind of humans: Man and no-man !

3.  Women would replace eskimos in Museums !

4. Just to get into ISB, lot of guys would undergo sex change operation since the number of women itself would be so low (forget about the no. of applicants) that every 'woman' would get selected in ISB by default

5. Cosmetic companies would be taken over by Gillette.

6. Developed countries might offer Fair sex credit to developing countries in line with the Carbon credits

7. Men would have found a way to reproduce or simple adapt genetically to produce children ! When you might go for childrens admissions, on the admission forms instead of Father and Mother you would have Father (Fatherly) and Father (Motherly) ! 

8. Alternatively we might also see the legalization of Draupadization i.e. one woman marrying about 4 -5 guys. (Monogamy/ Bigamy will be banned). When you might go for childrens admissions, on the admission forms instead of Father and Mother you would have Father 1, Father 2, Father 3, Father 4 and Mother! And none of them would probably know who the real father is !

9. Breast milk might replace Oil as the most sought after liquid in the world. Wars cannot be ruled out !

10. Population of men would halve as 50% would die after eating what they cook

11. Economy would fall by 75% as No woman = No shopping = No economy stimulus !

........ and many more ! May seem funny but its true ! Need to spread the message far enough for it to even be remotely effective !

SAY YES TO GIRL CHILD !