"IPL IPL everywhere, only a drop of cricket in it" - Anonymous
The past couple of weeks News channels and newspapers have gone ballistic with the whole IPL thingie. Wild articles containing baseless allegations just for the sake of sensationalism are being written as I type. Its like the world is coming to an end and all these media people think that writing about IPL will cleanse their karma.
Smack D's law of Media hype
The guiding principle to any media story is Smack D's law of Media hype.
"The further away from truth this is, the more sensational it becomes."
Smack D's law of Media Sources
"Thy shalt always quote 'sources' as the basis of your blatant and shameless lies"
Whatever story you present make sure you are always quoting "sources" even if in actuality the source is your imagination. Remember Media never lies, it only quotes "sources" and nobody afterwards remembers or questions who those "sources" were - all in the name of confidentiality. One of modern day's big con jobs.
The key to success in the media industry is your ability to present sensational and outrageous news. Now I shall let you all know how to do the same in simple steps.
How to make an outrageous Media story
Step 1: Give it a outrageous name
The different media houses have each given different names to this whole mess. Most of them revolve around different interpretations to the acronym IPL -- Indian Paisa League, Indian Prostitution League etc while others have used historical names like IPL Gate.
Wait a sec .... IPL Gate? Seriously? You cant pull that off unless you are covering Richard Nixon! Where is the seriousness in these creatively-handicapped people? My 5 year old niece can come up with better names in her sleep.
Step 2: Select an outrageous background score
Everyone wants to sensationalize everything that moves and is even remotely affecting our day-to-day lives. As 'responsible' media it is upto you to put the fear of god in your viewers. Tell them the world is coming to an end and they must listen to what you say. Select any music that appeals to your sanity-deprived senses of Doomsday music. Put that as background score. As a suggestion you can try using some of the music from this album
Step 3: Select an ugly scary news presenter
Look for a long haired pony-tailed fully bearded man. This man should be such that if put alongside a full grown chimpanzee in the local zoo, people must not be able to tell the difference. He must have a husky voice which resembles the Ramsay clan of Tantriks (of Zee horror show fame).
Step 4: Make up an outrageous story
To succeed in media you need to be either a well read-up person or a story-writer. The media never gets the real stories. They get only bits and pieces at max. So you need to use your creativity to plug the gaps. If you are well read up then use the plot and words any one / combination of the stories you have read. Else leave it to your imagination. If it doesn't work then buy Avatar Blu-ray / DVD and watch it couple of times to fondle your imagination.
Any story will work as long as you are accusing somebody of something. Make sure you include people who are even remotely connected to this person. If you are planning to mention money in your story, make sure the quoted number is outrageously high. To simplify the whole thing, think of all this as a game of "connect the dots" with the only exception that you can connect them anyway you want. Thats Artistic freedom for you !
Step 5: Make corny one-liners to go with the story
Once you have all the material in place make sure you invent enough corny lines to make people cringe in their seats. "Sona hai toh jaag jao" is an apt example. Watch India TV for more inspiring lines. Aaj tak also comes close.
Put all this in one place and you have a sensational news piece. For more life-changing career tips, feel free to write to me.
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