Smacking News

More Load Shedding to be made part of NDA Common Minimum Program: BJP

BJP top brass decided to take a strategic timeout from infighting to make some sort of a election-winning strategy in view of the forthcoming polls. They decided to make 3 versions of the Common Minimum Program to effectively segment and target the vote-bank: The Hindu trance, Muslim Lounge mix and Dalit Rhapsody. 

They decided that they need to further hardline its Hindutva policy. Now along with pre-marital sex they'll also oppose post-marital sex. Since consultant engineered fake data by fresh MBA geeks claims that 90% of the Indians have sex at night, BJP govt has promised extensive Load shedding at night. 

They also claimed this would bring down fiscal deficit by reducing expenditure on building public sanitary facilities. When its dark, do your deed anywhere.  This would also reduce the demand for water. And considering that most of us drink Pepsi / Coca Cola this would indirectly make more cheap pesticide available for the farmers.

This also presents itself as a boom opportunity for several industries as the rich will buy more inverters thus increasing consumption of electricity and chemicals while the poor will use lanterns and candles. Insurance sector will also see higher demand for fire insurance. Laptop batteries will also see a higher sale. As electric-powered machines are rendered useless, demand for manual labor will also go up. The GDP growth will be unprecedented.

It is also considering to favorably look at MRF's demand to intervene and see to it that blimps replace signboards.

Pakistan gets itself Facebooked

Pakistan government has banned Facebook in the country. This was after Deoband clerics issued Fatwa against Facebook because it promotes full facial nudity. Supposedly none of the profile pics had burqa. 

US President Obama was unhappy with this considering that most of his fans on Facebook are Pakistanis. To make matters more complicated Pakistan made him a offer - "We shut down all Terror camps if you shut down all Facebook servers".

Meanwhile Facebook has decided to rename itself Kitaab-e-Chehra to get around the ban. Works? Ask LeT. Err .. JuD says experts.

In completely unrelated news, Pakistan President Zardari granted pardon to his interior minister who was convicted by Courts on corruption. Mayawati now wants UP in Pakistan.

Since Facebook was banned, most Pakistanis didn't know that their cricket team had made it to the Semifinals of the T20 World Cup by beating SA. So later they found it hard to believe that the jehadis had not bombed a single place to make that happen.

Govt. of India issues advisory: Movie-Goers Beware ! 

The Government today issued an advisory especially for all the movie-going public due to increased number of cases of two epidemics deemed prominent in a movie theater. The diseases in question being CellulaRetardity & MovieSidhuism. 

CellulaRetardity is spread by those persons in the movie theater who havent mastered the art of putting cellphones on silent. They show symptoms of receiving their calls and talks like its in their living room. 

MovieSidhuism is spread by those persons in the movie theater who laugh out loud at each and every joke regardless of merit. It may also make you wonder if you are missing the joke somewhere. There is no scientific treatment available currently but some experts have suggested that shooting the diseased in the head might help. So take your shotguns to the theater next time.

Bollywood bytes

After the failure of his recent movies and success of Badmaash Company, Shahid kapoor's astrologer has asked his producers to name his next few movies as Kutte, Kulta, Harami and Maa ki Aankh. He told Shahid that only way he can have a successful love-life with Kareena Kapoor is by naming her Kameena Kapoor.

Opinion polls suggest that ToI's 'Aman ki Asha' hasnt taken off in the way they hoped for. It is believed that the major reason for its failure is that it sounds more like a sequel to the Aman Verma casting couch controversy than any peace initiative.

SmackD's express 8 news headlines

1. Mahila Swabhiman Sangh to sue the IT Sector for always releasing 'beta' versions and never 'beti' versions

2. In India 'bit.ly' to extend its services to names also. We have a lot of really long South Indian names.

3. Anu Malik says "I am on a Diet. So i refuse to eat my words or swallow my pride. Cant afford these extra calories"

4. Since it competes with Kindle, Apple shareholders demand that a more apt name for iPad would be 'iFondle'.

5. Construction sector all set to see a boom in coming future with falling input prices. This comes with improving supply conditions as BCCI shits bricks over Lalit Modi.

6. Iranian cleric says women's cleavages cause earthquakes. Mixing religion with science was never a smart move.

7. Rakhi Sawant "I wont expose anymore". Industry hopes she that she doesn't start acting.

8. In a exclusive survey done among Twitterers in India, 98% public follow celebs for one reason that they know when they are taking out their BMWs. Thats the time to stay home and not be run over.