ISB @ Facebook

The first fallout of a free 45Mbps internet connection is that junta at ISB log-onto social networking sites very frequently. Here Facebook is the king of social networking while Twitter hasnt caught on much. This is more so because Twitter is more of self-bakar while Facebook has a much more social feel. It is this social feeling that evokes different behaviour from people while they are facebook - so much that you can nearly predict the next status message update. Here are the different kind of ISB junta hooked onto Facebook:

• Retarded Gamers: These are the kind who are stuck onto retarded games like Farmville / Mafia Wars. They are either sending random requests to add as neighbour or begging all to send them 'gifts' to use on Farmville. Some of them are perverts too. They keep looking for "lonely" animals who accidently reach their farm. Dont ask me what they do with these animals ! They also join random communities (which have been made to insult their intelligence) related to the game "Group to get XYZ gift on Farmville"
• Cognitively challenged Quizzers: These just keep random quizzes "What kind of fart are you?" or "Which Simpsons will piss on you?" in the hope that they will be unravel the mysteries of their pathetic existence. Men specifically would take quizzes which involves some chicks in their friend lists as answers. Whole others try and live their fantasies on being different characters in legendary movies.

1. Quiz: "Which of your friends are likely to have a crush on you?" Ans: "This pretty chick on your friend list wants to run a road-roller on you"
2. Quiz: "Which Sholay Character is most likely to fall in love with you?" Answer: "Dhanno"

• Meaningless status updaters: These are people who'll tell all random shit that happens in their life which nobody cares two hoots about. Some sample updates would be

1. "Just Woke Up" - Let me know in case you know someone who doesnt
2. "Had omlette for breakfast" - Thanks. Now that we know you wont starve to death we might as well hire that hitman
3. "XYZ Exam - What was I thinking?" - you were thinking I need this subject so that I have a shot at getting some pretty chicks in my study group

• Random groups: There are a group of people who'll join random groups in the hope that their being a retard might socially acceptable somewhere. Some of the random groups they join are:

1. "Nobody ever looks at me" - In lay man terms you are one ugly dude
2. "I like chasing cars if nobody is looking" - Be my female dog

• Add anything that updates: These people would add anything that updates. Any group, any person - interest no bar, religion no bar, intelligence no bar !
• Quotes: These are people who feel they can never have anything worthwhile to say because of their dull and boring lives so they just copy and paste random quotes from the internet
• Life's history: These are people who feel that the world wants to eagerly know what's up in their lives so keep updating everything they do

1. "Just took a dump, looked very dark in colour. Did I have too much garlic in my pasta?"
2. "Just sneezed on my quaddie. He must have felt it as Amrit Jal."

• Show offs: These are people who just wanna show off using their status messages.

1. "Party'd all night" - Oops dude you might have forgotten to add - 'by myself'
2. "Missed the Deans list by one A" - ya dude ... if I got all As even I would be in that list

• I like all: These people never have anything intelligent to say so they'll just hit the "Like" button on everything
• I comment: These people have too much say but for their bakar there is too little time on the planet so they'll comment on everything - mostly random stuff

1. Status "Woke up and had breakfast" .... Comment "Same pinch"
2. Status "Me thinks me will go for some trek" ..... Comment "Who's Me?"

• Rotlus: These are people who use their status messages to crib about everything in the world

1. Status "Undie feeling too airy. Too many holes #FML"
2. Status "Why cant I get the dimple when I smile?"

• Random profile pics: These are people too scared of revealing their identity as if the CIA was looking for them so they use random profile pics. Quite a few women think that if they add a profile pic men will stalk them so they put Flowers as profile pics
• MBA left status: These are people who'll keep reminding what % of their MBA is left as if that was a mystery. Or is it a advanced warning for when doomsday is coming?

Psychometric Tests

Over the past one month I have been wondering how an idiot like Faffarsh could get into a big company like Haggu UnLimited. To be honest to him, that dude is hanging in there despite having minimal talent, fictitous brains and ego bigger than Pamela's twins. So I donned my Sherlock Holmes cap and dug deep into his HR files. Beneath layers of Bullshit lied the answer: Psychometric tests.

Psychometric tests are an amazing tool that mankind had discovered long time back but nobody could ever put it to any 'constructive' use. It was touted as something that could save the earth by precisely letting you know which dude was a 'fit'. Pretty much like Nuclear Fission. They told you it was for 'harnessing' power and reducing dependence on fossil fuels. And what was it first used for ?? The Atomic Bomb. Trust HR to come up with a life-saving mode of evaluation like a Psychometric test.

To put the icing on the cake suddenly it also became an 'shortlisting' tool. I realised how potent this was when quite a few companies began using this in their campus recruitment process. Suddenly companies realized intelligence and talent were secondary requirement. To understand how companies use these tests I dug deeper into Faffarsh's files.

These tests are simple but very very long often asking very vague questions. Further they keep repeating the same questions in all known form of tenses (past / present / future), voices (active / passive), wording (positive / negative) etc.

Finally based on the responses they bucket people in the 2x2 matrix. Based on where you are in the matrix you will either be shortlisted / rejected.

So the next time they ask you how Global recession happened despite companies hiring the 'best of talent' simply point towards the HR.

Sarfarosh Devi

It's all very confusing, that's what it is. There was a time in Mopullarpur when a dude knew a gangster when he saw one. It was a outdoor-type 30-something land-grabbing tambakoo-chewing male with a thick moustache and dressing reminiscent of modern day Bhojpuri heroes. But now everything is different. You can't tell a gangster from the neighbourhood Bhindiwala. One woman brought this change to Mopullarpur. Yes, you heard me right - One Woman ! Her name was Sarfarosh Devi.

Sarfarosh Tambde was just another homely but smart chick when her family first moved to Mopullarpur. She was your stereotype bharatiya naari - go to college just to bunk classes, pretend to help her mom with the household chores and cry uncontrollably with the protagonists in the Saas bahu soaps. Very soon all this changed.

That fateful morning Sarfarosh went to the local self-service Udipi restaurant and asked for a plate of Vada-Sambhar. At the same time a local goonda-cum-politician parked himself at a table close to Sarfarosh. He too asked for the Vada-Sambhar. Unfortunately the kitchen had closed down and there was exactly only one plate of Vada-Sambhar left. Since Sarfarosh had ordered first it came to her. But the goonda is not one for table manners. He forcibly took away her Vada-Sambhar and to add salt to injury he remarked "E Chamiya ! Thoda aur patli ho jaogi toh marr nahin jaogi".

Oh boy ! Hell hath no fury like a women whose weight had been made fun of. Something inside her tripped - the nuclear bomb had been armed. She said to herself "This mustn't register at an emotional level." Then this is what unfolded:

First, to distract her target, she threw her strategy assignment into the Goonda's face. Then blocked his blind jab. Countered with chaata to left cheek. Then slammed her hands into both sides of his head. Dazed, he attempted wild haymaker. She deflected his attempted punch and delivered a Heel kick to his diaphragm. The Goonda flew out of the restaurant.

Summary: Ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery six weeks. Full psychological recovery six months. Ability to make fun of a women's weight neutralized !

They say Light travels faster than sound but Sarfarosh's punch ki goonj had travelled faster. It became popular with the kids that "Jab gaon mein Sarfarosh toh Gundo ko nahin rahega hosh". From a smart homely chick she transformed into a hunterwali. Very soon she took control of the whole village and came to be known as Sarfarosh Devi - the band-aid queen. "Band-aid" because first she stole / extorted from the rich and gave that as aid / charity to the poor. People looked upon her not in terror but in awe and appreciation. Slowly and surely she dismantled the anti-social elements of Mopullarpur.

Though Sarfarosh moved out the city a few years later to pursue a role in Balaji Telefilms, Mopullarpur was never the same again - for the better !

Why Afridi did what he did !

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